If they’re showing up emotionally and meeting your needs in real life, though, and you know their heartbreak is fresh, Tierno suggests exercising a little empathy and trust while you’re checking out their socials. “People have a lot to process after a breakup,” she says. “If the expectation is, ‘They must cut off all thoughts or feelings about their former relationship in order to be available for me,’ that’s just unrealistic.”
That said, there’s a difference between reading too much into Instagram interactions and ignoring your intuition and/or evidence that the person you’re dating isn’t over someone—like the fact that they’re constantly liking and commenting on their ex’s posts, say (or that they’re exhibiting some of the other warning signs on this list). That’s why it’s important to keep checking in with your own comfort level, Tierno advises, which is the only thing you can control. “You have to be able to set your own boundaries with regard to whether your needs are being met,” she says.
8. Or they’re just plain fixated on the ex in general.
Do they rehash the pain of their last relationship often? Is there an excessive amount of pictures of their ex around their apartment? “It’s about the frequency and their tone,” Sprowl says. “If they’re talking about that person all the time, it’s obvious that they’re not over them.” You may notice that their ex-related comments drip with the aforementioned bitterness, for example.
9. They’re rebounding with a few people but making you feel like you’re the special one.
When someone is newly single and not seeking anything serious, there’s nothing wrong with casually dating a few people at the same time. But that’s only if they’re honest with everyone involved and managing everyone’s attachments responsibly, says Dennis.
What constitutes irresponsible handling of this situation? “They’re making a person feel like they’re the only one in a way that’s manipulative,” Dennis explains. That might look like telling you they’ve “never felt this way about anyone before” and that they “can see a future with you” on your Tuesday night dates, but then you find out they’ve been using the same lines on someone else on Thursdays. And they get bonus red-flag points if they make you doubt your perceptions: When you bring it up with them, they may make it clear that they’ve never committed to you, Dennis says. Even if that’s technically true, it may feel like an unfair loophole they’re using to get away with that behavior.
10. Your sex life seems off.
Rebounders also often use sex in order to distract themselves from their pain. An intense physical connection is a normal (super fun) part of many new relationships, of course. But if you feel like you’re being used and there are other warning signs to support your suspiscion, you’re probably not wrong.
On the flip side, you might be experiencing a wild emotional connection while freaking out about why you two aren’t having sex. First, it’s important to note that wanting to move slowly after a heartbreak is totally normal, whether someone is over their ex or not. Again, this comes down to trusting your instincts and putting their behavior in context. Have they expressed to you that they’re just not ready to be intimate yet? Or maybe that they rushed into sex in their last relationship and want to do things differently with you? If you feel like your other needs are being met and they’re just exercising understandable caution with their sex life, that’s not necessarily a rebound red-flag. But if they seem distant in other ways, that’s worth paying attention to, according to Tierno. “If someone is still emotionally invested in someone else, they might not be so interested in connecting sexually,” she says. Once again, honest communication can clear a lot of the confusion.
11. The end of their recent long-term relationship was a shock to them.
As Sprowl explained previously, lots of breakups begin with a slow decline, in which one or both partners have already begun to grieve the relationship and let it go. But if the person you’re dating was recently dumped out of the blue and left reeling, chances are they haven’t had enough time to heal before committing to someone new. Again, pay attention to their emotional availability, as well as your instincts—if it seems like they haven’t processed their pain, chances are, they haven’t (so if you’re looking for someone ready for a long-term commitment, chances are, they’re not).
12. They want to act like a long-term couple already.
You’ve only been dating for a month or so, but they want to skip nights out in favor of running errands together in sweats. You may even suspect they’re falling back on a relationship routine they had with their ex, and you’ve just been dropped into the middle of it. Though it may be true that they’re using you as a replacement for their previous long-term partner in order to avoid dealing with their feelings about the breakup, Tierno counters that “some people function that way” when they feel immediately comfortable. (And a lot of people who are tired of dating definitely want to skip right into the comfy relationship stage.) If they aren’t exhibiting other rebound red flags, and you suspect that you simply put them at ease, then it’s time to ask yourself what you want out of a new relationship and voice those wishes accordingly.
13. Their interest in you runs hot and cold.
Does their obsession with you abruptly grow cold? Are they inexplicably moody and then go radio silent on text? That’s, yep, another potential sign that they’re not truly emotionally invested in you—because of a recent breakup or some other reason. Or maybe they’re exhibiting signs of an avoidant attachment style, which doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care about you. Ultimately, if you don’t like how you’re being treated, the root reasoning for their behavior doesn’t really matter. But if you’re really into them, Tierno suggests that you bring up their hot-and-cold pattern and “stay available and curious to see whether they can explain what’s happening with them.” If they don’t have an answer, their answer isn’t satisfying, or they aren’t interested in even talking about it, that’s a problem—a sign that you may need to look elsewhere if you want to get your emotional needs met.
14. They don’t say much about themself (or their life before you).
Asking each other questions and swapping stories that speak to what you’ve both learned from past experiences is a necessary part of getting to know someone—so if you notice that they don’t volunteer much in these exchanges, it’s normal to wonder why.
